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FREQUENTLY
ASKED QUESTIONS
- My husband and I have sex about once a week. We are both
in our late thirties and I’m worried we aren’t “normal”.
What do you think is normal?
In the movie Annie Hall, Woody
Allen’s character says
to his therapist,”Yeah, she NEVER wants sex---only about
three times a week.” Next, you hear Diane Keaton’s
character say to HER therapist, he ALWAYS wants sex—about
three times a week.” Obviously, his perception
was his reality and her perception was her reality.
In a major survey
called Sex in America, it found that Adult Americans
fell into three groups.
- About 35% of Americans have sex
2 or more times a week.
- About 35% have sex once a week or a few times a month.
- About 30% of Americans have sex only a few times
a year or not at all.
But normal is anything you and your husband are
both content and happy with.
- I’m in my late twenties and just
lately I have no sex drive. What is wrong with me?
There are many things that impact desire. Since you are in
your twenties I would guess that your hormone production is
still adequate.
Sometimes the type
of birth control pill can be suspect. Early life sexual abuse, anger at
your partner for something sexual (internet pornography, an
affair), time pressure
and fatigue, painful intercourse, anorexia, or Depression can all be culprits
that steal your desire.
Lifestyle also plays a part. Smoking decreases the
blood flow to the genitals, drinking more than 1 or 2 drinks
can
depress the central nervous system,
and certain medications like antidepressants, illegal drugs,
and sleeping pills
can lessen desire.
Check with your doctor, OB/GYN, or nurse practitioner.
- I have a strong
odor coming from my vagina. Could I have a sexually transmitted disease?
Only your doctor or nurse practitioner can tell you that,
but a very strong odor usually signifies SOME type of infection.
Get to the health care provider
right away.
- When my husband and I have sex it hurts deep inside and
he says he feels like he is ‘bumping’ into something.
What is wrong?
He could very well be bumping into your cervix,
the opening to the uterus. You can help this by changing positions
for sex.
You could try the woman on top since that position gives you
control of how deep he thrusts. You don’t mention your
age, but if changing positions doesn’t help, you may need
to be checked for a prolapsed or dropping uterus. This can be
repaired with surgery if you have a prolapsed uterus.
- This is
an embarrassing question, but my labia are different sizes.
One is larger than the other.
This is normal and many women are not symmetric on both
sides of their body. If it gives you pain or if the longer side
gets
in the way you can have a minor operation to surgically cut away
part of the longer labia.
- I felt so good when my husband and
I first met and that first two years was wonderful! But those “good
feelings” have
worn off and while I still love him I want that ‘feeling’ back.
In the first chapter of my book, FOR WOMEN ONLY; God’s
design for female sexuality and intimacy, I describe a brain
chemical called PEA. We believe this chemical is God’s ‘bonding’ chemical
but it only lasts about 2-3 years and sometimes less. It’s
the cause of those “ooey gooey” feelings. However,
endorphins take the place of PEA and a calmer more secure feeling
takes place.
- My husband won’t believe me that woman take
longer to get aroused than men. He says I just want to “drag
out” sex.
Men and women go through four stages in
making love. The first stage is desire and excitement. A man
can go through this stage
in two minutes. It TYPICALLY takes most females 20-30 minutes
to go through those stages and be ready for actual intercourse
or orgasm. Why it takes females TEN TIMES LONGER I don’t
know but it does. Guess you will have to tell him you were right.
- I
want to have sex two times a week and my husband wants it every
night! We are always fighting about this. What can we
do?
It appears that this would be a good time to define ‘Kinds” of
sex. A quickie is sex where one partner is simply fulfilling
the other spouse’s needs and is doing so willingly, without
coercion. What I call ‘No Frills’ sex is just what
is says, no frills. Both people get an orgasm but there is no
huge time commitment involved and no extras. The third type is
Gourmet sex and that is sex with all the trimmings, candles,
music, scented or flavored oils, etc.
If you and your husband
can compromise you could decide not just how often you want sex,
but what kind you want. If
you compromise
on 4 nights of sex,
you could offer one quickie, one no frills type and two Gourmet. It gives
you a ‘vocabulary’ to be able to help you compromise
and negotiate.
- Every time I tell my husband I don’t
want to have sex he goes into a ‘blue funk’ for
two days. How can I say ‘no” without having him
become so depressed?
Men take rejection very hard. When
we say, “I don’t
want to have sex” they HEAR, ‘I don’t want
to have sex WITH YOU.” I always teach women to say ‘not
now’ instead of “no”. Then the husband knows
it isn’t HIM you are personally rejecting, just the time
frame of the offering. If you can give him an idea when you might
be interested it helps. Here is an idea of a good postponement.
‘Honey, I’d love to make love with you but right now I’m busy
finishing this report for work. How about later tonight after we get the kids
to bed we’ll have a great “gourmet” time? I’ll make a
special effort to get them to bed early so we can have some alone time.”
- I take an antidepressant and I can’t have an orgasm
while I’m taking it. I’ve changed to others but
I go back to being depressed. Is there anything I can do?
You would definitely have to check with your doctor about this
but there is something you could try WITH HIS/HER APPROVAL. Since
most antidepressants stay in your blood stream for a few days,
ask your doctor if you could cut your dose in half on the weekends.
Then have sex on the weekends. Most of my patients have found
that the half dose is just enough to restore their orgasmic ability
but not enough to lessen their mood.
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